Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
