I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
