I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize