Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
