I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
