i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
