This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize