my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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