You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
