This is not my ceiling
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
