She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
a search helicopter?!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
