after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
