Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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