he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
