There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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