If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
