i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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