Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
