i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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