I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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