Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
