i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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