Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my poor anus
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
