Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
