I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
