I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
