He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
3 2 1 whiskey
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
