I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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