He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
