the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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