Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
