I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
