Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
