Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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