a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
