Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
