how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
