we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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