i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You ruined the universe
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
