Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize