Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
