bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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