my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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