someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
