Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
