Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
