hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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