i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
