Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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