Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
