Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
