my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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