You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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