Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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