what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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