He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
