everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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