see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
